Or are we dancer?

Religion class: the meaning of life.
What does life mean? Why are we here?
Oh, for god's sake.

They made us listen to this song. It's been in my ipod for a long time, and sometimes I just adore it, but I had never been able to find a meaning to those words. It just give me the sense of unsolved questions.
Today I had the lyrics to read and at the same time had to think about the meaning of life.

Are we what we think we are? What do we think we are?
Sometimes it feels like we're just guided by something else, are we conscious of ourselves? Are we just a tiny insignificant part of something we don't even know?

I thought of the man who sings in the Killers, I don't even remember his name, I wanted to hug him and say "Oh my goodness, I don't know anything either".

Never thought a religion class could really make me think.

And I'm on my knees

looking for the answer.

Take on me, take me on. I'll be gone, in a day or two.

I perfectly know how to wait.

Wait for something to come my way.

I wait because I'm afraid.

I'm used to lose.

But have I ever tried?

After a week.

Here we go.
A week has gone. The first week in this cloudy and windy land.
The last days before leaving I was too excited even to think about it clearly. And now I'm here.
When I stop to think about it, it's like I'm realising it for the first time.
One of my dreams has come true: I'm living for more than three months in another country where all I can hear is english english english (and yes, just some irish but I can't understand a word).

And now?
Everyone says I'm going to have a terrific experience, have fun, meet new people, and do great things. They're all right: I'm damn lucky!
So how can I disappoint them? How can I disappoint myself by being not happy as I thought I would be?

This ain't another bloody post in which I'm going to feel sorry for my poor soul. I'm sick of all this.

I'd said to myself I shouldn't have had any expectations. It would have been such a good thing. But now I think that actually it's impossible. Expectations come to your mind without any kind of warning. You just have them.
So, if I'm not having what I f expected I just have to get everything from what I have here and now.
That's not easy but that's the only thing I can do.

Go do your homewotk, Julie. Come on.

Another country.

When I'm in the countryside, I just feel I could be anywhere.

Dos and don'ts.

There was that moment, the perfect moment.
I wasn't thinking about anything else, I had all I needed to smile.
The weather had cooled down a bit, I was waiting for the bus in the shade and the wind was soft.
I had just discovered my new addiction to an american tv series.
And I knew the departure wasn't too far away.
A dream-like feeling.

Do not think about tomorrow, do not think about what's missing, do not think about anyone else.
Keep that moment alive.

I'm home, so love me.

"We're going away to ireland soon..."

The only thing I have to remember is:

no expectations.

I've got you under my skin.

Dreams, dreams, dreams. Lots of dreams.

The future so mysterious and exciting, what am I going to do? I've been thinking about that for three days. My projects, they're quite impossible to realize. I have to work hard if I want to succeed, but will I be able to succeed? Is it really what I want for myself? I'm scared by the changes these ideas will make me do in my way of living, the challenges they will make me face. At the same time they give me the sensation of being alive, at last.

The abstract dreams and the practical matters walk side by side and drive me crazy. This confusion makes me smile again, a bit. I feel so stupid, but I can't help being a dreamer.

Everyone has their own addiction.

From now, I'm officially a movie-addicted. You could say "Good for you!" but actually it isn't.

Do you know why? I'm sure it's very easy to understand: it's impossible to GET REAL.

And that's what's happening to me, I can't think of or deal with real things, those I have around me, the people I meet, everything. I'm in my own world.

I'm finding out how important is for me watching a movie just to escape from my thoughts, before I used to watch movies when I wanted to watch them not when I wanted to run away from reality. I realise that maybe many people always considered it as an escape, but for me it wasn't until these f months.

It's so damned easy to get lost in another time, in another place with people you can only dream of. But then you take a look of how much time is past, you realise that when this beautiful artificial thing ends you'll be there, still worrying about your business.

I should stop, but I can't. At least my way through all this is watching movies and not smoking or other things. Anyway, I feel I need to cling to something.

P.S. It's sooo f easy to get lost in every movie where Colin Firth is in, and sooo difficult to come back to real life.

Poor Julie!

Seashells

I walked on the seashore searching for seashells.
The beach was full of them, some were broken in tiny pieces, some others were intact. I looked at them and I remembered when I used to collect pebbles and stuff on the shore when I was little.
I carried on walking, but I couldn't manage to find the seashell I was looking for, perhaps a big one, spiral-shaped. There were just those little ones, nice but still not what I was searching for. I took some, they were ok but after few moments I put them back where they were, in the wet sand.

It's always me. I go searching for something special, something which could astonish me, at last. I perfectly know (well.. maybe not that perfectly) what I'm looking for but I can't find it anyway. I try to be content with what I see around me, but I know I'll never be content for real with that and although I recognise it is useless, I keep on my ephemeral research, without surrendering at all.

Should never go to seaside if these are the results I get except a red-burning skin.

Oops... Becoming Jane.

Always the same.
It's the fourth time I've watched this movie but my reaction is always the same.
The truth is that I'm so f romantic, and during this times it doesn't help, to be romantic.

Well, the first time I watched it I was still at middle school, I might say I was impressionable or whatever you call it. But it does still impress me, and I perfectly know how it ends.
The same old story: those movies you watch thousands of times and yet you get so involved in it. And it's not the best film I've ever seen anyway.

It happened the same with another movie, you know about The Lake House, do you? Well another romantic and ureal thing to watch, but I love it. Escpecially during these days. It's like I'm needing all those sweeeet and corny films.

I'm scared about what I'm writing on this blog, it scares me A LOT. I'm just talking about sadness, depression and other cheerful and lovely things. I wasn't supposed to start this thing just to be so extremely desperate.

Better times will come.

What?

That's not ok. Last three weeks were awful. Should be happy since school is over, but I'm not. That sucks.

I'm sad and depressed and I can't smile for real, I hate the feeling I have inside... It's like I'm incomplete. Something somehow is missing and I'm writing this on a f blog. I'm not very smart and I should be happier. I should also be faster because I still have to have a shower, then phone to that shop where I was about to be taken on and then take the bus heading to the city centre.

These are holidays, aren't they?

Come on Julie, smile!

Contradictions

Ok, so... Hey Julie why don't you start a blog?

Why do these strange ideas come to my mind when I perfectly know I'll never be able to take care of them? But here it is, the blog.

I'm young, I should have an interesting social life, why do I have to write on a website? Why? Julie, you should be content with facebook, that already takes a lot of your free time, why another internet thing? You're going to feel excited and enthusiastic just for the first thirty minutes and then.. oops blog forgotten. Simple, it always worked like this.

But, hey Julie, you're not compelled to use it every single second of your life and you know this, don't be so nervous about a thing like that. It cold be also funny to have one, don't be so pessimistic.

But I'm always pessimistic, that's it. Anyway, blog started.